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The Wait Is Over

Two quiet days alone, a house that felt too empty, and the realization that the life I keep trying to make time for is the life I already have.

3 min read · T. M. Engh for UNEQPD

mood
restless, guilty, tender — ending eager
energy
medium
weather
overcast with subtle rain
music
"the dull silence of my work area"
A black-and-white photograph of a weathered clapboard farmhouse wall, its paint peeled back to bare wood. A narrow double door with two pointed-arch windows stands closed at the centre, a heavy iron latch beside it; a sash window sits to the left and another to the right with one pane propped open on a broken stay. Long grass grows against the foundation. The image is darkened toward the left, where the entry's title and opening sentence are set in white type.

On days like today, I am more than happy to listen to an audiobook or a podcast and sweat my ass off doing manual labor in the warehouse. I have been home without my wife, kids, and dog for two days. Today, I finally get to pick up the kids and our dog!

Most of you reading this probably think I am crazy. I bet you wish you had more time to yourself to “get things done.” Well, I am here to tell you that was my first thought as well, but that first night alone sucked. I don’t know if it is because I am reaching that golden midlife crisis age of 40 or what. That house has been too quiet these past two nights.

On the first night, I was so motivated to write and work on my book. I sat down, opened my notebook, and got to work right away. No one bothered me. In fact, there was nothing but silence until the air conditioning kicked on. That’s when I felt it.

I felt guilty that I couldn’t take time off to be with my kids while my wife was out of town. I just went through this career change and didn’t have the PTO I needed. Instead, we worked it out for my daughter and youngest son to stay with their grandma while my oldest son went camping with his grandpa. Needless to say, I put my shit away and went to see the two little ones.

When I came home from visiting them I was dead tired. Turns out they had a great day. I decided I would go and visit my oldest son the next day. But for the rest of the night, I was laying in the bath tub, reading, and going to bed.

Work flew by on the second day. I stayed busy so I could go hang out with my son. He too had been doing well. It was nothing but fishing for him the entire time. He is definitely going to be a good fishing guide some day. We talked about all of the fish he had caught, bait and lures he used, the plan for me picking him up the next day, and a little about his river crossing adventure with his cousins. All I’m going to say about that here is…only my son. (insert head shaking here)

As today ends, I want to reflect on the fact that I hardly did anything on my wife’s list. All of you know I’m going to get chewed out for not taking out the garbage or recycling on Thursday. As for the rest of the items, I still have plenty of time to make the house look nice and fix all of my other laziness and ADHD items.

As for tonight, I just want to be present and focused on spending time with my kids. I will be fully expecting a massive meltdown scenario, but right now I couldn’t be more excited to clock out and go see them. Even that bitch dog of ours 🙂

tagged: fatherhood

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